


Twitter and a Problematic Ship walk into a bar

by bigdicktwink347



Category: Fandom (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: Author made this for salt reasons and salt reasons alone, Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 03:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30099270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigdicktwink347/pseuds/bigdicktwink347
Summary: The barman is not a character in this fic.
Relationships: Problematic Ship/Twitter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 21





	Twitter and a Problematic Ship walk into a bar

It all started forever ago, Problematic Ship and Twitter have never gotten along. You see, Twitter is a proper anthropomorphic social media program, they go through life with clipped, fast responses that never leave anybody waiting for long. They are pretty, even when they’re not accurate. They’re graceful in their dodging of fault. Their reputation is highly esteemed, and everybody who’s anybody is their friend because they have to be.

Problematic Ship, however, is a rebel, well and truly wicked. They are the problem child of Fandom and Lust, they taunt and titillate with their very existence. Problematic Ship is all sharp angles and dark corners. Twitter tries to ignore them as much as they can, but sometimes Problematic Ship appears on their timeline and Twitter looks too long before blocking, it’s their greatest shame. 

So, when Twitter walks into the bar in the evening to find Problematic Ship lounging across the bartop in leather straps across their body and nothing else? Twitter feels the need to bolt, but they don’t because they have community guidelines to deal with this and they will do so like the proper anthropomorphic social media platform that they are, goddammit.

Twitter walks slowly, and with dignity to the bar. They sit down and order themselves a non-alcoholic drink. 

“Hey baby,” Problematic Ship says from their other side. They reek of sex and degeneracy and Twitter does not interact with them. Instead, they look to their left and poke their friend Moral Superiority on the shoulder. 

“Hey, I just wanted to say that I don’t think people who ship problematic ships are inherently bad people, I just think they haven’t thought about the consequences of their action enough, I mean, don’t they realize that they’re promoting pedophilia? They really should- cont,” Twitter takes a sip of their drink and then proceeds to continue, “cont - reconsider and start shipping something more moral.” 

Problematic Ship shifts behind them and lounges on the bar with their torso, almost but not quite touching Twitter. Twitter, of course, does not ignore this. 

“Omfg it says in my bio that I do not want freaks interacting with me!” 

Problematic Ship leans in more, plastering their torso to Twitter and grinding to the music, they're clearly inebriated. "Oooooh," they moan, "cancel me, daddy"

Twitter gasps in shock and dismay. What can they do to shame someone whose kink is being shamed?!

In desperation, Twitter turns to Moral Superiority, who is blind, and then gestures at a couple, a man and a woman, wearing conservative but fashionable outfits, sitting at the other end of the bar. “See, you should ship them, a good, wholesome, healthy relationship!”

The problematic ship leans closer toward Twitter and whispers into their ear, "I fucked both of them in the bathroom 5 minutes ago, wanna see their come in me?"

Twitter promptly gets a nosebleed and grabs a napkin off the bar. 

Problematic Ship gets up and moves closer to Twitter, circles around them, and leans over their shoulder. "You know honey, your privacy settings are not as good as you think they are." They pause to mouth wetly at Twitter’s neck. "I heard that your content relies heavily on what you search to find, what a lovely coincidence that we saw each other here... it's almost as if you're obsessed with me." They chuckle and their breath makes Twitter shift in their seat. "Could it be that I turn you on, baby?"

This is a disaster of epic proportions, and all of Twitter’s media persons are running around trying to contain it, but there is nothing to do about it, because Problematic ship smirks the smirk of the completely unashamed, turns Twitter in their seat and kisses them.

Gasps of shock and awe fill the room.

Twitter thinks theirs would have been one of disgust, but their mouth is too full of tongue to make sounds. Problematic Ship’s kisses are fire, and Twitter has to restrain themselves from moaning, but they can’t get themselves to push Problematic Ship away.

Problematic Ship releases them with a last lingering trace of tongue, and then says, very quietly against Twitter’s lips: "You know, I was born on social media, so I guess calling you daddy isn't that inaccurate when you think about it." 

Twitter closes their eyes, but their self-restraint is not a match for the taste of the blood from their nose bleed and Problematic ship's salty lips. It's all true after all, Twitter has had one or two guilty wanks over problematic ships in their life and now that it's right there, it's impossible to stop.

They moan and lean into the touch. “Please,” they plead. 

And then Problematic Ship and Twitter fuck on the bartop, publicly, you're welcome!

The End.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Twitter and a Problematic Ship walk into a bar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30114087) by [carboncopies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carboncopies/pseuds/carboncopies)




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